How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?
A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into a
generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I decided
to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity.
Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a
chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to want the legs
(dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts which are best
avoided if at all possible.
It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite wave-like
nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit experiment of
1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract,
but produce interference patterns as well. (This experiment is fully documented
in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise "Tossing Chickens Through Various Apertures
in Modern Architecture", 1897)
It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one chicken
is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to pinpoint the exact
location of the chicken at any given time t. This was summarized by Helmut
Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in the equation:
d(chicken) * dt >= b
(where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x 10(-14)
domestic fowl * seconds)
Whatever our results, they must be consistant with the fundamentals of
physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved.
Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was discovered
by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with chickens, kites,
The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E = K + V
Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the
kinetic energy of the chicken, given by (.5)mv2 or (p2)/(2m).
Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that the momentum
of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed in any sort of Pontiac)
is given by:
p = b / w
With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation for the
potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will allow us to
calculate the probability of finding any number of chickens in automobiles.)
The wave equation for a non-relativistic, time-independant chicken in a
one- dimensional Pontiac is given by:
The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in fact quantized,
and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula we know that no two chickens
in any Pontiac can have the same set of quantum numbers.
[V * P] - [[(b2) / (2m)] * D2(P)] = E * P
P is the wave function, and D2(P) is its second derivative.
The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the integral
of P * P * d(chicken) from 0 to x, where x = the length of the Pontiac.
Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers (when examining
the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different wave functions can
be derived for each set of quantum numbers.
It is important to note that we now know that there is no such thing
as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity
of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be treated
It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic angular
momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove this, as chickens
tend to move away from someone trying to spin them.