What We Learned From The Movies

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• Most dogs are immortal.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• The Chief of Police is always black.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
• Some nerdy jackass adolescent punk will invariably sit down at a computer terminal in some high security building and begin typing incessantly, breaking the security code in a matter of minutes.