On Graduate Students

(taken from the Harvard Crimson)
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
You just might be a graduate student if ...
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication"
You just might be a _gay_ grad student if...
...you can analyze the significance of placement of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than everyone else's.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own reputation across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read Details.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a dance club.
...you rate coffee shops by the number of men using laptops.
...you have never been to a sporting event.
...you actually have a preference of typeface on microfilm/microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library bathrooms.
...you look forward to summers because you can scope without the distraction of classes.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work in script anymore.
...you find the biographies of authors more interesting than the actual text.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively identify those greek letters from 100 yards.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "The Wizard of Oz".
...you look forward to taking some time off to do shopping.
...you have more credit cards than photocopy cards.
...you write to convince APA that citing talking to yourself is "personal communication".