Science Nonsense

FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN LOS ALAMOS, NEW MEXICO, THE TOP TEN REASONS NETWORK NEWS PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE SCIENCE MORE AIR TIME. NUMBER TEN: "ALREADY DID THE O.J. DNA FINGERPRINT STORY."

NUMBER NINE: "'BUCKY BALLS' EXPUNGED FROM SCRIPTS BY NERVOUS NETWORK CENSORS."

NUMBER EIGHT: "WAITING FOR COLD FUSION."

NUMBER SEVEN: "WOULDN'T KNOW THE SUPER CONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND."

NUMBER SIX: "STILL THINK SCIENCE'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT WAS TANG."

NUMBER FIVE: "FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE OZONE HOLE LINKED TO EXCESSIVE HAIR SPRAY USE BY NEWS ANCHORS."

NUMBER FOUR: "POCKET PROTECTORS CAUSE TOO MUCH GLARE UNDER HARSH TV LIGHTS."

NUMBER THREE: "BRAINWASHED BY BIOSPHERIANS."

NUMBER TWO: "UNABLE TO LOCATE FILE FOOTAGE OF THE 'BIG BANG.'"

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON NETWORK NEWS PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE SCIENCE MORE AIR TIME:
"JOURNALISTS ARE FROM MARS...SCIENTISTS FROM VENUS."

Why the scientist never spends more than 15 hours in cyberspace?
Cause there are no toilets there.

- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
- To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.
- For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
- For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
- For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
- Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

A lecturer enters a big room with about 200 student and is worried about the power of his voice, so he asks: ' Can you hear in the back?' Remark back:' Yes, but never mind!!!'

A professor was too ill to teach his course, but didn't want his students to go without. He audiotaped his lecture, and sent it in to be played during his class.

The experiment went so well, that the professor started taping his lectures and sending them in even after he felt better.

After several weeks of this, he decided actually to attend the class himself, and give his lecture live. When he arrived he found an empty classroom, with 120 tape recorders all set to record his talk.