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What if _____ made toasters?

If IBM made a toaster, it would be big and blue and they would make just one toaster to which people would submit bread for overnight toasting. IBM would project an eventual worldwide market of, oh, maybe five or six of these big blue toasters.

If MICROSOFT made toasters, you would have to buy a toaster every time you bought a loaf of bread. The new TOASTER '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small citywould be overpriced, would take up 95% of your kitchen space, would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them and if you are the rightful owner, and would then falsely claim to be the very first toaster that lets you control the darkness of your toast. Everyone would hate MICROSOFT toasters, but would buy them anyway because most of the good bread will work only with their TOASTER '95. Additionally, once you have a TOASTER '95, it's nearly impossible to get rid of it.

If APPLE made toasters, it would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier, and more stably.

If XEROX made toasters, you could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If RADIO SHACK made toasters, their sales associates would try to sell you the entire store-full, but would be able to tell you nothing about any of them . . . and would get angry if you asked. You could also buy the toaster in individually plastic bagged pieces for assembly yourself . . . but you would have to go to at least six stores for all of the essential pieces.

If ORACLE made toasters, they'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If SUN made toasters, the toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If HEWLETT-PACKARD made toasters, they would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If TRW CORPORATION made toasters, it would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If POPULAR SCIENCE made toasters, they would be highlighted as a continuing feature article for several months running and be so complicated and impractical that only the author would ever think about making one. The Government would be petitioned to create an Incentive Toasting scheme . .

If SONY made toasters, the ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If FISHER PRICE made toasters, "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the FRANKLIN MINT made toasters, every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.