Proof That Santa Could Exist? (Rebuttal #2)

This is a long overdue editorial response to the "Scientific
Inquiry into the existance of Santa Claus" which was published in
the January 1990 issue of Spy Magazine: 

The theories outlined in the previous article, while being
mathematically and scientifically correct, are somewhat limited
in scope.  I offer some speculations in another direction.  I
feel that it is necessary to offer the POSSIBILITY that Santa
Claus (or some iteration of that story) exists, in opposition to
the distinctly negative slant that the aforementioned source
article suggests.

Consider, if Santa Clause started his operation sometime in the
1600's (as legend has it), then it's altogether likely that it is
no longer THE Santa Claus that carries out this yearly
responsibility.  I ask for some lattitude at this point, as I am
not a mathemetician, so my numbers, though close, will be
approximate.

Lets examine the possibility of Claus population.  At an accepted
average rate of 3.5 generations per century (Population Reference
Bureau), this gives us approximately 14 generations of Claus
breeding to consider.  At an average (taking historical
references and averages as a rule) of 4 children per Claus Family
(starting with Santa and Mrs.  Claus), producing at least 2 males
per family unit, that renders a total current possible Claus
population of approximately a quarter of a BILLION Clauses
(factoring in the attrition due to the harsh Arctic Circle
climate, reindeer pilot training incidents, elf uprisings,
sibling homicide, and other accidental deaths).

Presuming that the maintenance of the secret of the Claus
"situation" is due to limitation or exclusion of outside people,
this would lead us to speculate that the current Claus population
is a product of rampant inbreeding.  Generations and generations
worth.  So much so that the combination of magnified recessive
gene traits, exclusion of new genetic material, and limited task
training has, in all likelyhood, produced a  population of Task
Specific Idiot Savant Clauses who know nothing other than the
functions of piloting sleighs in flight (clear point of
contention with the original article), breaking and entering,
gift distribution, and gorging on any exposed foodstuffs, all on
one specific evening all around the world.   I believe that this
massive undertaking is financed by a well established fund
raising program, implemented centuries ago, incorporating the
street-corner and mall residing Santas.

If the idea of a multi-Claus population were proved, that would
guarantee that all of the Santas would then, in fact, be THE
Santa Claus (or more appropriately, _A_ Santa Claus), simplifying
the explanation to children inquiring into why there are so many
Caluses ringing bells, or why Santa was at THIS mall when he was
just at the LAST one.  That would also alleviate any guilt on the
parents part stemming from feeling the need to respond to the
child with either the perceived truth that there is actually NO
Santa Claus (surely helping the child along to his/her specific
predestined emotional dysfunction), or the creation and
mainteneance of a lie ("Oh, that's because he's following us,
dear", surely resulting in deep psychological scarring in the
child for life, and producing an unfortunate  deep seated fear of
overweight people in red crushed velvet leisure suits and black
patent leather boots).  Of course, this also means that every
city and town has a resident population of Clauses, simplifying
local gift distribution.

Back to the numbers.  If we do the math, we would see that the
average number of "Active Delivery Units" (which we will refer to
hereafter as ADU's, being described as male-Claus gift
distribution usits, but not with the insensitive intent of
perpetuating the sexist image of the traditional Christmas
figure) is reduced to a paltry 53.5 million ADU's.  Keep in mind
that though there are clearly more Male Clauses alive at this
point, some may be children, some in training, and some may be
too old or infirm to engage in the Cristmas eve task.   Using the
numbers that you provided in your article, 98.1 million homes,
our numbers would suggest that the average Claus would only have
to deliver to and average of 1.71 homes, and they would only need
to walk an average of a mile and-a-half to get there.  Of course,
rural ADU's might have fewer homes and further to walk, where
urban Clauses might have more homes in a more compressed
neighborhood, but Claus allocation would address that.

As far as Payload per household is concerned, we need to clarify
that as a current societal issue.  In today's society, we can no
longer afford to judge a child to the extent that what they
receive on Christmas morning is based on their
emotional/psychological/interpersonal performance of the past
year.  The modern non-Claus family unit (practicing random
breeding patterns, typically excluding members of their immediate
family) cannot bear the responsibility or social impact of having
raised a dysfunctional child.  Thus, we can  presume that the
lumps of coal and switches are no longer gift options to be
delivered by an ADU.  Our point is, all Christmas participating
non-Claus families with children will receive actual gifts.

Again, based on our current societal standards, the average
family of three children will receive a minimum of eleven gifts
(three for each of the children, and one each for the parents,
regardless of whether or not they believe in Santa).  I would
conservatively estimate the average total weight of gifts per
family to be in the 50-70 lbs range, which is no problem at all
for a lumbering idiot-savant who considers the transportation of
this payload to be among the chief ingredients to his happiness
(the delivery of which immediately follows the most satisfying
Breaking and Entering protion of the evening, and the reward of
which would be the removal and consumption of any exposed baked
goods).  Engaging in these activities in the house/houses within
his juristiction is the only thing that truly gives him pleasure
(save, perhaps, producing his share of Clauses with his
particular Mrs.  Claus).  At an average walking speed of 3
miles-per-hour, travel time would be roughly an hour, round trip,
per house.  using this theory, the arguments about friction, wind
resistance, and centrifugal force are reduced to  insignificance.
 The only flames that and ADU might face might be found in the
dying embers in a fireplace, and then only if an ADU insisted on
using the chimney as an access point (probably uncommon nowadays,
and realistically unlikey). 


As far as the reindeer are concerned, I think that you have not
fully examined their usage from an operational standpoint.   I
have considered that with common herd thinning, and attrition
through losses when flying over countries with sensitive military
airspace, they might have phased out the usage of flying reindeer
altogether.   Understanding that each ADU has only to walk a
couple of miles to reach a target household, the use of reindeer
as transportation on Christmas Eve would be a waste of reindeer
technology and resources.  However, if we  discount the herd
thinning, and apply the same formulas to reindeer mating as we
have to the Claus Principle (excepting, we hope, the incest), one
would end up with an enormous herd.  This would provide a
wonderful stock delivery service from the manufacturing site at
the North Pole (assuming that they have not followed suit with
other modern manufacturing companies and either built remote
manufacturing sites, or out-sourced their operations altogether)
directly to the residence of each ADU.   Understanding that the
ground speed of a laden reindeer is approximately 15
miles-per-hour (factoring in variables in terrain, un-navigatable
obstacles, and hoof soreness), we might then grant an airborne
reindeer a possible forward airspeed of perhaps 75 miles per
hour.  At that speed, the distribution  process could begin as
early as August.

It is clear to me that the author of the previous article was
very negative on the possibility of an actual functioning Santa
(or Santas).  It is evident that science has blinded that
author's perspective, and it is my hope that my article might
correct any damage that might have been caused to any children
that might have happened upon that author's most narrow-minded
opinion.